MUSCLE BEACH PARTY

Muscle Beach Party

It is 1963 – Beach Blanket Bingo USA
My aquanet beehive stands taller than the tallest wave
Through Annette Funicello’s polka-dot bikini eyeball
Frankie Avalon weeps.

I like to wear dark sunglasses while watching lots of TV
Today on Santa Monica Boulevard
Andy Warhol is having my baby.

It’s New York City, Times Square
I am the Salvador Dali Lama
The statue of liberty lies prostrate at my feet.
At night, the ghosts of Jack Kerouac
roams the streets of Greenwich Village
Saxophones speak in tongues

Its Memphis Tennessee
I am Elvis Presley’s sideburn
Every Monday I eat fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
At the local BBQ shack.

All America Lies Within Me…

BETTY

Betty

It is always hot outside of Tucson.
I am sitting in the garage amongst
cardboard boxes filled with Christmas baubles,
a Xerox machine that hasn’t ever worked, and
chains for snow tires – you don’t need those in the Arizona desert.
I am fingering my turquoise and silver locket filled with
powdered peyote root.
My shiny red cowboy boots are pinching my toes;
I am thinking of the impending journey
and of my lover, Archie,
his loose slung pants slung low at the waist,
red and navy argyle socks.
A hedgehog appears before me;
he carries a legal pad and an expensive looking valise.
He takes out an old fashioned pocket-watch from his
pinstriped vest,
taps it officiously and says
“you must make haste for the Atlantic schooner.”
I think the auspicious rodent,
Tie my hair in a cool and practical ponytail
and start on my way.

CANADIAN ICONS I HAVE LOVED

David Cronenberg stuffs frozen peas up his nose while being spanked.
Atom Egoyan murmers the word “elliptical” over and over while fingering his nipples.
Anne Murray is a furvert.
Don Cherry likes to play “Zamboni and the Dirty Ice”.
Peter Mansbridge loves to be tied up with his Holt Renfrew neckties.
Gordon Lightfoot wears a cloth diaper and sucks on a pacifier but
only when he sings “Rainy Day People”.
George Strombolopoulous wears fishnet stockings.
Margaret Atwood is a necrophiliac.
Wendy Mesley is a top.
Knowlton Nash is a bottom.
Justin Trudeau owns a full set of equestrian gear.
Right now, Stephen Harper is sucking on the toe of
Sonja Smit's stilletto boot
while she sings a rousing rendition of
“Oh Canada”!.

JUDY JUDY JUDY!

The Awful Truth

Cary Grant’s real name wasn’t Cary Grant. It was Archie Leach.
He had a dog, a fox terrier - also called Archie Leach.
Archie was in the movie “The Awful Truth”. He did tricks.
I mean, the dog did tricks - not Cary Grant.

Cary Grant had the most fantastic chin.
The kind they’d called chisled in Danielle Steele Novels.
You might even say that the cleft in Cary Grant’s chin
was like the twin buttocks of a woman kneeling in supplication
before the god like monument of his face.

Cary Grant was born in England.
When he got into movies he tried to cover his cockney accent.
In every movie he was in Cary Grant
carefully pronounced EVERY syllable of ever line he spoke.

Contrary to popular opinion, Cary Grant never actually said “JUDY, JUDY JUDY”.
He DID say “I’VE GONE GAY ALL OF A SUDDEN!”.

Before Cary Grant became an actor he was a vaudeville acrobat.
He catapulted head first into the arms of Randolph Scott.
Randolph Scott starred in a lot of westerns. He got to shoot a lot of cowboys.
Cary Grant never did a western. I don’t know if Cary Grant ever wanted to shoot
anybody in the movies or otherwise.

A critic once said Cary Grant’s neck was too big.
After that he had all his tuxedos custom made, ditto his suits.
He might have had a nose job...

The Archie Series

Veronica at 32

At 222 Canyon Road Beverly Hills
Ronnie lies poolside sipping a non-fat banana daiquiri
She is wearing those high heeled plastic mules
where you can see each carefully painted toenail.
In the white light of the Los Angeles sunshine
her metallic bikini shimmers.

Under her wraparound Ray Ban sunglasses
She dreams of Riverdale - cool summer evening
Her red convertible, top down
and Archie, his hands cupping her breasts,
his hair a plume of prairie fire,
riffling in the breeze.